bearing my heart

I don't even know where to start.  I had every single feeling today.  Scared, apprehensive, intrigued, inquisitive, relieved, excited, anxious, angry, disappointed, pissed, calm .. you name it, I felt it. 

Today I had what I thought would be a final appointment with a legal adviser, to complete the forms I've been struggling over.  The adviser/lawyer was amazing and gave me great advice, helped me so much so that I was going to be able to go home and type up what we hand wrote and it would all be ready for the next step (signatures, notarizing, filing).  I was so sure this would all go smoothly because of recent conversations with the ex, vocal promises, reassurance, although some minor glitches I was under the impression it would be fairly easy.  He contacted me today to ask how the paperwork was coming along and at the point I was far enough along, with copies made for him too, that I suggested if he wanted why not come over and look and sign the paperwork.  After all, it was all things we had discussed previously and I was sure there wouldn't be a problem.  When he came over he handed me a rather fat envelope with a letter rebutting everything we had vocally arranged and making up his own 'rules' or suggestions I suppose they could be coined as.  These suggestions are against what we spoke of, and infuriated me.  It was hard to stay calm and I let the inner demon loose enough to remind him this wasn't what we spoke of and if he wanted to pull all this crap 6 weeks before I leave, he won't be getting his wishes granted either.  I've given and given in hopes that I could just move on, end this miserable chapter and start afresh.  I've made peace with the fact I'd lose on some things I could have been entitled to, because I'd rather wash my hands of it then have arguments.  And today I realized that as much as I was controled and manipulated for 16 years and didn't realize it fully, I will always be controlled because I'm the one that has the children living with me and therefore I guess I'm not entitled to a life.

He wants to move forward with his life and create a union with someone new and I have to sign off in order for that to be allowed, yet when I want to move on with my children, requiring a signature from him, he brings up other shit to feed the fight. I believe that I'm dealing with the same man I knew all those years, but he's not thinking on his own .. he has input that's clouding his better judgement and I really wish he could think for himself.  It was his sperm that created these children, not her eggs so why should she have a say in the matter and play the puppeteer.

I don't understand that if this wasn't meant to be, then why did all our other issues like finding a home, arranging for the best travel possible, vehicle arrangement, job, etc seem to work themselves out.  I know this move is in our charts/stars, now I just have to manage to get through this last hurtle!

hello deer!

Nature is just outside my door! As I pulled out of the parking lot at home yesterday morning, I snuck up on this buck that was grazing on bits of road side grass. After taking this photo, I still was able to creep slowly closer, until it sauntered up the little hill into that neighbours yard. I'm used to seeing deer in our back lower strip of grass, but not out front on the street!

had to!

Today was almost pure hell.  The day after welfare wednesday, one of the hottest summer days, whatever the case .. it was busy!  And so since I ran my freakin' tush off today, after cooking and cleaning up dinner, getting laundry on the go, printing off and filling out a couple forms, it was time for this mama to sit outside and have a Palm Bay.  I'm not as much of a lush as a certain sister of mine *coughkathycough* but a drink in the middle of the week is not going to hurt me. :P

gettin' shit done!

A couple days ago, Alissa and I tackled her vanity (aka hoarders central). She kept all five of the drawers stuffed full with everything she just didn't know where else to put, and the 'stuff' included hair accessories, gum wrappers, pencils, unwrapped McDs toys, notebooks, etc etc. Then it was time to tackle in, around and on top of the vanity, and now her room is looking very much in control and minimized. Wait until the furniture goes, and boxes start appearing! :P

I think a huge part of me is actually really enjoying this purging stage. Because we've lived here for 9 years, so much had accumulated .. and this getting rid of stuff stage is really giving me the ending to this chapter and making me so excited for what the next chapter holds.

home!

Look at our new home!! :) The girls are thrilled, I'm thrilled .. it can't be any better!!!

fun in the sun

Although if I were to be completely honest, it was an exhausting day, but we had fun taking in all that is the VIEX (vancouver island exhibition).
The day was beautiful and hot, the music blaring, the food greasy and yummy, the rides gave the girls their adrenaline rush, and the business venues were fun to snoop through. We missed the last couple years, so this was a nice way to complete our summer in preparation for the star of school.

freaking excited!

So after reading the fine print, I realized that the sale I was looking at for flying ends tonight at midnight!  If I were to wait until tomorrow, the cost of three one way tickets goes up double!!!!!  I couldn't risk that, and with taxes, insurance and seat selection cost added to it, yes it would still be cheaper then driving across and less headache, but why wait and pay extra when I could buy now and make sure I purchased the insurance in case I had to change dates or have any other situation arise.  So guess what?

We're booked to fly in 8 weeks!!!  Oh. my. god, I'm literally freaking, I'm so excited!  AND .. we have a possible house lined up to rent.  It's damn cute, and maybe it's a little early to declare this, but I think this is finally looking like it's coming together! :) :)

operation destination ontario

I had a light bulb moment yesterday! After having decided we'd use a moving company to move our worldly goods across the country side, selling almost every large furniture item we have so as to keep the costs down, there still was alot of number crunching and pricing out in the 'us getting there' department. I had a list of every possible cost there would be incurred with the three of us and my sister making the three day/two night drive across 4 provinces, and it wasn't going to be cheap. Not when I needed to sell off my car and rent a car to guarantee we made it safely with no break downs.


Then suddenly at work yesterday, I had this thought.  Okay so it wasn't an original thought, but it suddenly made a connection with our situation.  I wondered how much it would cost for us three to fly.  We weren't going to be taking much luggage with us anyway .. it would all go with the moving company.  The only thing I'm still concerned about now is my 15 yr old cat, but people fly with animals .. so I can only hope he'll do okay.  This is changing the price tag on my trip to a very easy and comfortable amount.  Yay for light bulb moments!!! :)

a little evening walk

Hailey was off to a friends for a few hours this evening and it was just Alissa and I hanging out. She loves to ride her bike around the block, but I won't let her go all alone, so she talked me in to a little walk. The sun is shining brightly and low enough to blind me, but it's warm and wonderful and a little exercise never hurt anyone. :P
So away we went!

We stopped to take a rope off the handle bars, and to take a photo of the empty field behind our place. I love living in the middle of the city, and having this as our neighbouring land! :)

We even 'ran' in to a friend (a neighbour a few roads over) taking her evening walk too! It was really nice to get a quick catch up as we both ended our walks.

beans beans

Remember the bean plant I showed you that Alissa planted from a seed? How along the way I showed the blossoms? Guess what we found today when watering it!!! BEANS!!
How we went this long without noticing them is beyond me, I guess their greeness blended in, but look how long and yummy they look!

They truly are yummy! We only took one and split it up for a taste test but we're going to let them grow a little longer as per Alissa's orders. She's the bean mama afterall, so we must listen to her directions.

See how they kind of hide in amongst the leaves? So easy to miss when you water and look down on it.

i scream, you scream

An afternoon with friends was long overdue and very welcomed. I haven't had much time to get together with Darla, but when it worked out that we could spend some time together today with our kids, it was wonderful. We met at the sea wall and went from the water, to the playground, for a walk along the store fronts and found ourselves stopping at the ice cream store. Here are our little face pulling munchkins eating (almost as good as coldstone) icecream.

59'ish

every now and then I count down to the day I think I'm moving.  We don't have a set day yet, but a block of a 5 day span that we'll be leaving and it's down to 59'ish already!  I remember last getting a number in the 80's!!! Now cross your fingers things go well tomorrow with my court paperwork because it's all pending on those going through,  so tomorrows legal help with filling them out is pertinent!

day 2 of 2

All of this?

GONE! :)

We had a much slower day today, there just wasn't the amounts of people coming and I assume that's because it was Sunday .. aka: family day, church day, sunny and hot enough to go to the beach day but that's all okay .. we sold enough and the rest went to the thrift store. My next big chore is to sell off the big stuff next month, but for now we still need the table/chairs, couch and chair, desk and bookshelves, dressers and such.

It was an exhausting weekend, but we`re richer, a little redder from the sun, and happy! :)

day 1 of 2

Today was day one of two set aside for our complex yard sale. There were only three families participating, but that was okay because I had enough stuff for five families. The one neighbour insisted taking a photo of the girls and I amongst our stuff. Of course there were items that friends asked to drop off for me to try and sell, but for the most part this is all ours. Or was ours, but approx half is now gone. Keep scrolling and you'll see the before and after.

Hailey's friend, Megan, came to keep the girls company while they sold off some baked goodies and lemonade. In the end, they had the baked items under the table to keep from melting in the direct hot sun. Crazy hot days we're suddenly having!

I know it's hard for the average person to see the difference, but the first photo is the things that I had accumulated to sell off. I think I took this on Wednesday, so added some more things in the two days following .. as well as the loft bed and microwave stand. The second photo is pretty much everything that's left. I did leave a few things outside, but that's about it. The chairs aren't being sold, just caught them in the photo.

Not bad hey? In a month or so we'll list the big furniture items and leave BC feeling ALOT lighter!

some fresh air

During the frantic and obscene amounts of work I have created for myself by taking on a yard sale, we decided it was time to get out for some sun and fresh air. Alissa really wanted to go up to the lake so she could swim, but where we're moving to, there is NO OCEAN! Hence, it was a must to go to the ocean beach. And besides, there's so much more to do there. Drift wood to balance along, shells to collect, flat smooth stones to throw, crabs/oysters/muscles to find and annoy, waves to watch, salt air to breathe in .. and did we have a great couple hours. Hailey was being lazy, she was tired, but Alissa appeared to have MUCH more fun once she got over the fact we were going to were I wanted to go and not her choice.

I truly love how photogenic my girlies are when they aren't aware of me shooting them. Such realism in it's raw and pure form.

It was a great little escape. :)

happy birthday sis!!

Although you're only 1 yr 10 mos 14 days younger then me, I've always thought of you as my equal. You're beautiful, talented, amazing, sexy, strong, sensitive, funny, and humble .. and I could not be more proud of you. For being my sister, for being the level headed person you have become, for being my best friend!

I love you so much! I hope you had an amazing day! Happy birthday Kathy!!
*photo circa January 2010

holy hell!

Look at what I've accumulated for our yard sale! There's just so much to going through every single thing in this house and either discarding, holding for the sale, or putting back to keep and later to pack up for our move. Somehow the photos just don't make it look as overwhelming as it is, but there's just SO. MUCH. STUFF!

What's missing from here is the dismantled bed, mattress, collector plates, microwave stand and a huge box of stuffed animals. It's only Wednesday so as I go through more cupboards, nooks and crannies, closets and small dark corners, I'm sure I'll find more to add to this pile!

Now to price it all. OY!

August 1st .. aka BC Day

I'm not sure what this day is called in other provinces, maybe after the province there too?  But today is British Columbia Day here in BC, and although I had to work, it was a beautiful sunny day.  Perfect temperature wise and I'm sure those that were able to enjoy the outdoors, did so in grand style. 

I found a little info on the day/province, if you're up to reading about it.

more life

I missed a few very important things in my last post about the fruits of our labour. The top photos are Alissa's bean plant in bloom. And the bottom are of the baby's breath Hailey planted from seeds. They're so tall and spindly, but so pretty!!